The Thing About Women

I guess no picture of me would be complete without a summary of what exactly my views on women were, so why not try to summarize everything my life has taught me on the subject?

I. Introduction

Recently I have been dealing a lot with what we almost universally dream about and for, so I guess I should start with those dreams in my examination of relationships. “Cinderella” has often served as THE role model for a relationship, or maybe that is only from the women’s side. Maybe in reality, relationships are more like “Beauty and the Beast”, although my intuition makes me think that this is indeed a fairy tale since there is no perfect “Belle” to tame the beast, but rather, our relationships rather resemble two beasts, often trying their best to get along. I think the best overarching advice/one-liner I have ever heard for what to look for and how to go about a relationship is to “find someone who loves Jesus more than they love you”. I think this is one of those examples of a paradox which logically makes little sense initially, yet God requires it, and in real life it works out for the best. These paradoxes have been key to my decision to be a Christian; there is just something Godly about Christianity.

As a general trend, young gentlemen seem to give in to the fact that we will “never understand women”. Yet there is more research coming out such as in “For Men Only” which seems to try to buck that trend. I don’t have all the answers or a great deal of experience, but I will here dare to tell what insights I do believe I have gained. They come through interactions with my mom and sisters, multiple lady friends, various crushes, more intimate friendships, and the many movies and books which have probably ruined any unbiased perspective I might have had originally. I realize a number approaching infinity of books/notes/essays have been written on these topics, so this is by no means intended to be exhaustive, but simply to give an introduction. To any young women who read it and think it is comical/inadequate/just plain wrong, I invite/plead/beg you to comment as I would love to be enlightened/corrected/put in my place etc. whether it is in person/on facebook/by e-mail/by telephone/by any other form of communication you can conjure up. (and you just thought multiple choice tests were difficult, look at all the options in the last sentence-I should be surprised if any of you make up your minds enough to tell me anything!)

II. My History
To give you all an idea of where I am coming from on this so you can laugh at my inexperienced educated guesses to follow I will give you a picture of my background. In general, as with any best friend, you spontaneously have to share your secrets about whoever you are interested in at the time, so my thanks goes out to those many friends who have always been an eager ear and shared their own insights. Interactions with my wonderful mom, and two great sisters Shelley and Laura also have played an integral role in the development of any insights below. Pretty much any woman who has crossed my path has also helped mold my views, so thanks to you all!

There are always those few special young ladies who you find yourself attached to which as you grow up mold your views of women. In 2nd grade was the first time I can remember “liking” someone. Bethie had such a pretty smile, but that was pretty much all there was to it. From 3rd to 5th grade, while living in Saudi Arabia I temporarily had a crush on a tall blond Canadian named Stephanie Carlson, as well as an American named Hailey Henderson. Our move back to the US of A crushed any serious type of pursuit. Next came Kristin Cuthbert, for whose sake I almost argued with my parents to let me go to a middle school dance. I actually think there may have been some interest towards the end of the school year, but another school move eliminated any opportunity. For the next year I pretty much ignored young women, although then came along my “Miss America”, Danielle Johnson, who I was enamored with from 8th to 11th grade. I also asked out the preachers daughter to prom in a confusion of hormones and circular thinking that only High school could produce, convincing myself that I liked her too. In reality I was probably just trying to sneak a dance with “Miss America” who at that point was the closest I ever got to being in a relationship with. Needless to say, prom was a little awkward and we went home early. Senior year I really had no interests, but asked out a Christian friend named Clare Dalton to Winter Formal. I skipped my senior prom and just went to the parties at friends houses afterwards. (so maybe I am not that romantic).

My first year in college I really had no serious interests and since I had decided I pretty much would not date anyone freshman year, I really just had a great time hanging out with people. My first year bible study guys will tell you though that deep down I was somewhat cynical in my approach to young women. I think this attitude developed because much of why I liked them was for their physical attributes, I never understood how they were different, how they thought, how they interacted with God, or just in general what should have been so attractive about them. I therefore concluded a relationship did not have too much value. On a surface level I used the excuse that being single was a higher calling since Paul said it was better. A realization that ultimately where God calls you is where you should be, not some legalistic standard alone eliminated that objection. The summer after freshman year I went to a Navigators training program where I was able to get a glimpse of the hearts of college age women desiring to go deeper in their walks with God. Since they were in a very safe environment, communication on much deeper levels was possible. During that time a future meteorologist named Leigh Jones really opened my eyes to the wonder of the world around me which God had created whether through sunsets or storms. Her spontaneity also showed me another quality I longed for in a partner. During the entire summer I was also taught a lot from Tony Pesce. He was learning about relationships, especially from “Wild at Heart” and was developing one which eventually led to his marriage with Becki Morrah, another young lady at the training program. Needless to say, this changed my viewpoint a wee bit. During my second year I gradually got to know Natalie Kerr. I saw in her a young woman who was growing closer to God, one who was athletic, and gentle as well. Through the interactions with young women over that summer and with Natalie I was spurred to study many books about how this whole process of love works and what God’s plan actually is for us. I even felt for a while we had grown close enough that I made my first attempt ever and asked her out spring of my sophomore year. Some very random circumstances prevented anything from occurring and now I think we have gone our own ways as friends. God gave me a little more clarity after I sat down and took an unbiased look at where we both were, although I learned a great deal going through the process of even asking her out. I think this is where the history ends and where I presently am. This is a little too much a part of present day for me to go into in more detail, so I will end it here.

Now finishing my fourth year in college I find myself waiting (mostly) patiently for God to lead me specifically in this area. I have been advised that I need to have worked out my Master and Mission before I seek out a Match. I am fairly confident that the Master part is mostly worked out, but my Mission is still somewhat hazy. So far I have only felt that I need to go to engineers and scientists, with a few possible details, but nothing concrete. I think working this summer at Lockheed Martin may help establish that more fully. Yet I digress, so back to the subject. I am fairly sure my hesitation is not out of fear, and God has continued to refine many of my convictions on how a relationship might work throughout the past year and a half. This journal entry is a summary of most of the structure established in that time. My knowledge of what I think I am looking for in a young woman is essentially complete (although I do not think I am going to post it here). I often wonder if those who have dated know some great secret that I do not. In the past few years it has been hammered home how much experience is more important than book knowledge and I am absolutely sure that whatever my expectations may be, they are probably not what God has planned for me. Therefore making a grocery list of attributes that I demand in a wife is foolish nonsense that will cause a great amount of trouble down the road. However, a framework of Biblical non-negotiables must exist to give me some broader perspective and eliminate the potential of making some terrible mistake while you are “intoxicated” with amorous emotions. Ultimately, I hope to be open enough to God’s leading that I will only enter in a relationship because He is leading me to do so.

Other Major and Direct Sources of Input For Investigating All Types of Relationships:

Through Media:
The Bible, The Brothers Karamazov, Pride and Prejudice and all Shelley’s other Jane Austen Movies, You’ve Got Mail, Disney Movies (especially The Beauty and the Beast), IQ, Covenant Church series on marriage/family/men and women’s roles, Men’s retreats, reading Emma, Marchant’s Journal, Wild at Heart, Too Close Too Soon, Truefaced, Encouragement, relationship talk at MB03, BASIC Seminar Series
Through Others:
My Dad and Mom, My sisters Shelley and Laura, talks with Adam Jarczyk, William Dunham, Tony Pesce, Lance Armbrester, Andy Carroll, Andy Rauschenberg, Todd Hendrix, experiences with those ladies mentioned above, also Sarah W, Diedre L, Donna Lee D, Robyn D, Elizabeth T, Sally J, babysitting, truly anyone from whom I have gotten a glimpse of a different perspective from – THANKS to all of you!

III. Relationship Development
Although no relationship will ever follow the same development, I have tried to establish some initial stages in any relationship so that I know if I am overstepping my boundaries and where the relationship is. You can read my take on how I anticipate developing a relationship in a roughly Biblical manner here: Boundaries and Relational Development. The approach can be summarized by a development of spiritual, emotional, and then physical intimacy, a development which some have suggested that the world gets backward. For some cautions to think about as any relationship develops, see my notes on the book “What you need to know before you fall in love“. As most of you know by now, I am extremely analytical, so I wrote down a sheet to investigate how much I know someone: Questions. I highly recommend using something like it when developing any relationship (my reasons are listed within). And just in case you are missing some of that “lovin’ feeling” check out a summary of “The Five Love Languages” and my musings on the subject.

IV. The Elusive Search For Identity
In any one relationship between a male and a female there are many dynamics involved. These include who he thinks he is, who she thinks she is, who he thinks she is, who she thinks he is, who he really is, and who she really is. I hope to address the few which two which I can have insight on (who I think I am and who I think she is) through a more experiential light. Knowing these things is crucial to being able to have a good relationship, since knowing these things can really help communication.

1. Who I think I am
Well, this is certainly a difficult question, although one which many high school and college students must work through. Who am I and how exactly can one define who they are? If you want to see what I am involved with and interested in, you might as well visit the About page (what I do willingly), and I could tell you some of my life habits (stuff I do unconsciously), and reading this can give you some idea of some of my ways of “processing” life (ways I think, feel, react): see Who am I?. I could even do a lot of research and find, to a large extent, what I am made out of, or at least how this stuff called “matter” is organized to make me. Personality tests tell me that I am a choleric melancholy, or an INTJ. Other personality test results can be found in Tickle Tests which might show a little more of who I think I am. Outside of Christian thinking, many think we define ourselves in relation to other people, other groups, or a “wholly other”. Yet I believe all these things only paint a hazy, transient outline of who I really am. Ultimately, my identity must be determined in relation to Jesus Christ, the unchangeable definer, or “my” world will fall apart (2 Corinthians 5).

2. Who I think she might be
Firstly on this subject, I must say that no matter how analytical a man may get in desiring this or that in a wife, as Adam Jarczyk has so astutely observed, a woman comes as a complete package. Also, as a disclaimer, I will not be including “The List” (see end of “My History” section for why). Suffice it to say that I have this worked out to be some non-negotiables and some preferences. I suppose this website would give you ample room to guess at some of them if you wanted.

V. Identity Defined (Soon?!?)
I hope to shed some Biblical light on the last two dynamics (who I really am and who she really is) by looking at general cases.

GENERAL
To address the entire relationship thing would be another topic entirely since then the dynamics get so complicated I have almost given up of ever understanding. However, whenever I get to really digging in and doing my homework, this is an outline to investigate the Biblical foundation for relationships. I will link these once I start investigating them.

A. Who God Is Biblically
-Lay the foundation, starting anywhere but here will lead you astray eventually
1. Who GOD is biblically
-Names of God-blueletterbible.org (LINK)
-”The Attributes of God”-Pink
2. What our relationship is with God
3. What we expect/hope for in our relationship with God

B. Originally As Created Biblically
1. Who we were as humans
2. Who men were
3. Who women were
4. What men expected/hoped for in a relationship
5. What women expected/hoped for in a relationship

C. A Fallen Creation as Described Biblically
1. Who we are as humans
2. Who men are
3. Who women are
4. What men can expect/hope for in a relationship
5. What women can expect/hope for in a relationship
Who I think women may desire in a man-see “One on One with Tony” for wild at heart notes (p5-6)-my typical way of complicating things

D. Biblical Relationships
There is no possible way one can address everything here; instead on a daily basis, being equipped with the principles in A-C and trying to apply them is probably the best we will do. There are a few categories which distinctions may be applied to, and although obviously actions and attitudes would change based on the situation and people, topics could be prepared on how to relate Biblically in various relational stages. Three areas would need to be addressed for each (Men-Men, Women-Women, and Men-Women).
1. Acquaintances
2. People who you share interests with
3. Peers and Friends
4. Mentors/Leaders
5. Parents

I believe the most intimate of relationships is on a different playing field, so I list it separately, since I believe that according to Biblical truth it can only be shared between a Man and a Woman, with that relationship set in the proper place in relation to both people’s relationship with God.
6. Husband-Wife

VI. Some Random Insights

Characteristics of An Ideal Relationship

What does it mean to have a deep relationship with someone? Below I have previously tried to define some ideals (I could not publish this without doing some Biblical research!).

An ideal relationship is one where both parties genuinely want to know about the other, whether it is information about their situation on a daily basis, their spiritual state, their strengths, weaknesses, how they will react to each other. There is also a part of simply enjoying one another’s company, so that both can interact without fear on both sides and without either side dominating the other. It is a relationship where there is unconditional love. This is seen as the lady and gentleman are:

-Concerned about how to please each other (1 Corinthians 8:32)
-Functioning as we were made to in God’s plan, better together than apart. (Genesis 2:18)
-Becoming like “one flesh”, inseparable (Genesis 2:24)
-Being patient with one another, kind to one another, Not envying one another, not boasting to one another, not allowing pride to isolate one another, not being rude to one another, not seeking our own benefit when around one another, not getting angry with one another, not keeping a record of wrongs with one another, not delighting in evil, but rejoicing in the truth with one another, protecting each other, trusting each other, hoping for one another, and persevering with each other, doing so even when they do not feel like it. (1 Corinthians 13)
-Being sincere with each other, being devoted to each other, honoring others above ourselves. (Romans 12:9)
-Living with wives submitted to their husbands, while the husbands love their wives and are not harsh to them. (Colossians 3:18)
-Loving each other not just with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth (1 John 3:18)
-Being patient, humble and gentle with each other (Ephesians 4:2)
-Building each other up, but not allowing each other to become puffed up (1 Corinthians 8:1)
-Becoming more and more transformed by the Spirit (Galatians 5)
-Not full of fear, actively driving it out of each other (1 John 4:18)
All of the above will hopefully give you a picture of a truly loving relationship, yet remember that “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us” (1 John 3:16). Do not neglect the source of love itself as you go!

For another source of input about developing good relationships, I have included notes from the “relationship talk” at the Myrtle Beach training program I attended in 2003 (Myrtle Beach Training Program Relationship Notes). I do not want to generalize too much, but two crucial issues seem to be that in any good relationship the people communicate well and have developed a great deal of unselfishness.

Some Characteristics of Women
I state these things so that those gentlemen who might read this would be aware, and be able to encourage the young ladies around them to trust Christ. For the ladies reading this, if they agree with the assessment, I share it so that they might rely on Christ.

One thing which is very important to young women is security. Perhaps this is why Paul says that the nature of things is for women to have a covered head (taken from Andrew Thompson). This can exhibit itself in many forms as they engage life. They can be a tempted to (i) make men their God (idolatry) or (ii) try to take God’s place (selfish pride). In doing this they may become so submissive and deferent that they shy away from the responsibility of making decisions. The opposite may happen if they try to seize control to create their own sense of security. Both ladies and gentlemen will struggle with both issues if they are not relying on God, and both issues can cause havoc in a relationship. This is part of the reason having one’s identity in relation to God worked out before getting in a relationship is extremely beneficial.

One issue where this comes out frequently is women’s insecurity about their appearance. I mention this because many guys seem to be insensitive to this, when it could be an area that we as Christian brothers can encourage our sisters to trust God actively. Honestly I can say that if a young lady is treating her body responsibly (eat fairly well, get some exercise) I see no reason for this worry. Although a lady’s appearance is important, ultimately it will fade in even the most beautiful. While I admit there are many shallow men out there, and most guys do want to like the face they wake up to in the morning, overall there is a different reason many guys value a woman who keeps herself in shape. For any guy, intimacy is developed in the everyday joy of just doing things together. If a lady’s physical abilities limit her ability to be adventurous, that is when a guy may become somewhat frustrated (ref: For Women Only).

VII. The Conclusion of the Matter
As I come to the end of this first “essay” on this topic, I am reminded of Lance’s regular reminders that I am making things too complicated, so if the above seems to be a pointless complication or too disorganized, please just go on living your life. It is certainly very true, as discussed previously, that intellectual “essays” will always fall short, so this is only something to help organize the knowledge in my own head and maybe help you also. In the future I will continue to hold these things up to the light and examine them in relation to the Biblical framework (point 5), while adjusting as necessary, but for the present I must come out of the cave and present them to “the world”. I look forward to discovering how blind I am as I continue to experience, as well as research various relationships. Feel free to give me some feedback; I am by no means, nor want to be, an island! Overall, I encourage all of you to TRUST God , that overall heart response which parallels Solomons’ conclusion in Ecclesiastes to “Fear God and Keep His Commands” and which hopefully will be only reinforced by the “essay”.

Who Am I?

Well, this is certainly a difficult question. How exactly can one define who they are? If you want to see what I am involved with and interested in, you might as well visit the About page (what I do willingly), and I could tell you some of my life habits (stuff I do unconciously), and reading this can give you some idea of some of my ways of “processing” life (ways I think, feel, react). I could even do a lot of research and find, to a large extent, what I am made out of, or at least how this stuff called “matter” is organized to make me. Personality tests tell me that I am a choleric melancholy, or an INTJ. I described those other pages in order to give you a more clear picture of them than perhaps other journal styles would have by as they describe the daily activities of a person’s life. Yet these things only paint a hazy outline of who I really am.

I think I may have lost the more developed journal entry from previously, so I will not go back and try to explain everything. Ultimately, I have become convinced that this question is only answerable in the context of relationships, specifically with an unchanging, eternal relationship, such as the one we have with God. That is an entry I am still working on (hopefully that will continue throughout my life!). However, in the meantime, my next entry will address our relationships with women.

Habits

Believe it or not, these things are really hard to think of unless someone tells you about them, so this list is short.

1. Everyday Tasks

I am generally a clean person.
I like a very clean floor because I lay around on it a lot doing work or just whatever.
I sleep mostly on my side facing to my right or on my stomach.
I hand wash most dishes right after I use them, so I rarely use more than one complete set of dishware.
I usually eat the same basic thing, two peanut butter and jelly waffle sandwiches for breakfast, a tuna and cheese for lunch (used to be turkey and cheese)-this has been changing, and various things for dinner.
I brush my teeth religiously (right hand) but am not as good about flossing.
As I walk, I usually am deciding between which route is shortest, or trying to schedule my to do list and thus occasionally may give the impression I am in another world.
I can live mostly with the lights off though I do not prefer it.
I definitely hunch at the table while eating.
I twirl my hair and scratch my head when I am stressed out (like taking a test).
I keep my nails short.
I shave about every two days although I am now to the point where I think I might start shaving daily.
My room is usually organized proportionally with how stressed out my life is currently, though in general clean (bed made, floor vacuumed and clear of most things besides homework).

2. Random Rituals

Bounce the ball 4 times before my first serve and twice before my second serve.
I fiddle around a great deal when I am bored, whether with my keys or some other object.
I usually drive with one hand and drive the speed limit.
I try to spend a substantial amount of time alone to summarize my thoughts at the end of each semester.

3. Conversational/Communication

I apparently often start saying something or look like I had a thought, and then either think better of it or figure out that I am wrong, so I do not finish the thought.
When I am searching for something to say or the situation seems awkward I often yawn.
My voice becomes much more quiet if I am not telling the complete truth or if I am not confident of what I am saying.
I try to be precise with what words I use, so I am mostly unconcious of the non-verbal messages I may be sending, although I am trying to work on being aware of some of these.
If I am in a really intense conversation I often start shivering.

Processing Life

First let me make sure you understand what I mean by “Processing Life”. I am referring to ways my “will” decides how to act. Often these present a stumbling block since it is not really “my” life to live. For the more mathematical out there it is the matrix which forms the basis for my life (I like linear algebra). The main different ways I have tried/am trying are listed below. Hopefully this will provide a fairly complete overall picture. Feel free to consider what role each of these areas plays in your decisions as you read.

1. Spiritually

I wish I could always say that this was the driving force for my life. I know that I need to trust God when making every decision, following His Holy Spirit’s leading or my Biblical knowledge. Yet often I revert back to trying to process life using the methods below. I hope that this journal does not reinforce that tendency but rather helps point you and I to trusting God.

2. Intellectually

Describing how I think used to be extremely important to me, so I guess I might have a little more to say here than the other areas where I am still exploring mostly. I often try to reason (mathematically and scientifically) my way through a problem/decision, a tendency which my studies in school as an engineer have intensified.
If you have ever been exposed to linear algebra, that is how my mind usually works. I am always trying to categorize and organize things in life. Because this is probably a more dominant way I process life, it can be seen a great deal my actions as described on the about and habits sections.
I often thought that I could control a situation if I understood what was going on.
Often before I take action, I desire to understand the situation.
I like to see and understand the big picture (what a “matrix” generally describes).
In the past, and sometimes I revert, I have only desired a relationship with others in order to gain information about the bigger picture of life.
I used to like to learn things for the sake of learning things, now I am not so excited about such things although I still do have a great deal of curiosity and a vibrant imagination.

3. Emotionally

I rarely process life much from an emotional viewpoint and mistrust what my emotions are telling me greatly, since I rarely see them as much more than neurons being absorbed in my brain. That said, I still feel things deeply. Some common feelings and how my life displays them are listed below. I wanted to categorize these as good or bad, but I (think) that they can be both, depending on if we let them be in control of our lives or not.
Anger/Hate: I rarely get angry and it seems few get angry with me, so perhaps this is the reason. It is possible to annoy me, but it takes some intentionality.
Awe: I am awed by creation around me, especially sunsets, sunrises, and large objects like space. I often wish I was more in awe of God.
Confusion: Usually when I get confused I just lose my ability to think anything, though I may appear deep in thought. I just have to take a moment to refocus. If I remain confused it is one of the things which most quickly makes me angry I think.
Excitement: I am generally an excited person, although often I do not show it as much.
Fear: I rarely encounter situations where I should be afraid and rarely put myself in situations like that since I do not have a great deal of risk in my life. I am trying to increase the amount of risk in my life, whether it regards relationships or being spiritually bold. However, things like death definitely scare me, and in that type of situation I usually am somewhat paralyzed.
Guilt: I do feel guilt, although it rarely consumes me. Often it is a reminder that there is something in my life I need to address or ask God or someone else for forgiveness.
Hope: I have a great amount of hope still which comes from the fact that I see few obstacles usually and have a direction in my life. Often just living in that state of mind gives me more joy than I can express.
Loneliness: On occasion I do feel very lonely. However, I have never had an intimate relationship, so the fact that I do not really know what I am missing probably lessens this feeling. My self-centered, independent nature also deadens this feeling.
Loss: I have lost a great grandmother, a grandmother, and a grandfather during my life. The loss of my grandfather, who started me on tennis and who I am named after affected me a good bit.
Love: Most of my encounters with this emotion (although it is much more than an emotion, but also a commitment of the will) have been simply in trying to love my friends. My love is usually expressed in concern for what is going on for their lives, a desire to listen and encourage them. It is almost impossible for me to love someone when that commitment goes totally unreciprocated over a long time. However, I think I have been the person Austen describes when she says “one cannot love a reserved person”, so I am trying to figure out how to be more open than I already am. I have felt the feelings brought on by infatuation and I think I understand the difference.

4. Physically

By this I am referring to how I use my senses to process life. The main senses are listed below. Often the more we use a sense, often the less sensitive it becomes in actually producing an emotional response (which then conceivably would cause an action). We are all “sensualists” to some extent (read “The Brothers Karamazov”).
(1). Sight: This is by far the most dominant sense in my life. I may not remember everything I see, but I learn very quickly if I can see something. Thus, a way for me to learn is to summarize thoughts in words that I can see, not just hear. Thus taking notes is very important for me. I often visualize things when I am trying to connect them together, so flow charts and graphs often stick with me. Pictures are very important to me because they almost seem to put me back where I was at that time. My long term memory is most tied to my sense of sight. It is therefore the sense which I most fear losing.
(2). Touch: I can remember very clearly the shape of things I touch.
(3). Taste: I have not put in much effort to refine my sense of taste, but I think overall it is fairly acute.
(4). Hearing: My sense of hearing is not very good in general, and if you tell me something I will rarely remember it after you have told it to me. That is one of the reasons that I try to write EVERYTHING down.
(5). Smelling: Honestly, my nose is not very sensitive. I therefore rarely act on or remember a smell, however much people think that we remember smells the best. I could see this in that the few that I am actually able to smell I generally remember fairly well.
Overall I am not the most buff guy, although I try to keep myself in good shape by weight lifting, playing tennis, Frisbee and by swimming. My eating habits could be a little more healthy, but I maintain a fairly balanced diet.

5. Experientially

By this I am mainly referring to how my past affects my present reality. There is no way that I am going to try to summarize my entire life history, so I would refer you to the “friends” page, which hopefully eventually will tell how the interactions between those people and my life have influenced this area.